I'm sitting here, beer by my side, because I can.

I wish I could just take the easy route out and become a full blown alcohol - but I don't like drinking much. So scrap that - a nice idea, but it wouldn't work. I''m too responsible to crack. So I crack a beer instead. At 3:05 when everything around me is falling apart, because I feel like it completes the sentence. I. AM. FAIL.

I don't really believe that, but I just threw Linds out of the house for the night and am sitting with Ty, head heavy in hands, as he battles a bout of anxiety. Such is life.

I've struggled to make things "right", to make my kids' lives be ok. Times like this I say a big "you've failed Deb". (Did I just say that?)

Problem is - I don't buy that....I know I haven't. I've devoted myself - my every moment - to making sure my kids are ok. I've remained on my own for that purpose (no man was good enough to enter my kids' lives). But, somehow, we've hit a wall tonight.

It'll be ok....somehow, we'll battle through this adversity and laugh, united, once again. But tonight I just feel like I want to be numb and even Poker After Dark can't capture my attention long enough to make me forget that I have to be up soon for work.

Man, I've been running on empty (but strong) for so long. I feel invincible these days...but times like this confuse me. I don't want to be thrust into dysfunction because I'm too busy functioning. My bring it attitude gets me through but, suddenly, I want to quit tonight.

I won't.

Someone mentioned Deb's Box today, so here I am.

Had all but forgotten about this place. Not the dear friends I've met, just the mindless dribble that fills the space.

So the new job is meh. Love it one day, am ready to quit the next. I am the Customer Services Manager and, for the first time in my life, will soon have my own business cards to drop into the restaurant "win a dinner on us" fishbowl. So, basically, my job entails cleaning up the shit that everyone else has created (kind of like my job at home as "Mom"). I have mixed feelings about my coworkers - they are sleazy, conniving, lying, salesmen who have the overall integrity of a jar. On the other hand, they are family oriented, generous (how does that work?), light hearted, understanding individuals when they drop the sales pitch. Seeing things from this end of things scares me...usually I'm the customer demanding service on the other end of the phone. My downfall in this job might be my empathy and the fact that I don't like to screw people over which, apparently, is mandatory.

I love the actual work - the composing emails and schmoozing the customers (I have 8 new friends already) are right up my alley. But it's all the unnecessary screw ups that I have to witness that have me pulling out my hair....it appears to be a difficult concept for some to grasp that if you do the legwork and ensure things are done right from the get go, you save yourself a lot of heartache (and work) in the end. I am not cut out to be a salesperson if it means selling garbage. If the infommercial's going to be believable, I have to believe in the product. I don't know that I do.

For now, I have a paycheck coming in. But Deb has never been and never will be a good liar. That is what I have learned this month.

Just a quick update, as I really don't want to just completely throw in the towel here.

Dad's had a bit of go lately - a couple of stints in emerg., etc. Initially, was frightened that the huge mass he had in his abdomen might've been more of the dreaded C...thankfully, it doesn't appear to be the case. Nevertheless, his much anticipated hip replacement surgery scheduled for the end of September was put on hold indefinitely as he requires more "emergency" type surgery to clear up the bowling ball on his gut.

The kids are great. I'm still unemployed, meaning we're nearly homeless. Went for an interview last week - really felt I connected with the women who interrogated me but apparently they don't want a wrinkly old employees who's greatest skill is baking banana bread either. Have to update - am not proficient in Word, Excel, Power Point or Cantonese, but man, I whip up some mean fajitas! Hope you're all well...miss you dearly. Will try and make the rounds later but, according to today's schedule*, no promises...

*Today's schedule:

-This
-Drive Fiona to Surrey
-Walk the dog (we've kidnapped the ex's lab again)
-Cut Dad's grass
-Pick up Linds and deposit her at her point B
-Rush home to start dinner
-Pick Linds up from B and deliver her to C
-Laundromat (maybe, although I'll likely saw screw it and wear mismatched socks again)
-Something else that I know I'm forgetting

Girl Power

Went to a concert last week. Now that I'm broke and unemployed I don't do many shows...I save up for the really important ones like Pearl Jam and Matt Good. But Linds was in a big funk (again) not long ago so when I saw that Jenny Lewis AND Cat Power (two of her favorites) were playing together, I sprung into action. Literally - I abandoned my computer mid post and dashed to Ticketmaster. I bought two tickets and was proud as a pig in poop as I sped home to break the news. Only, in double checking the tickets, I quickly realized that it wasn't, in fact, Jenny Lewis playing - it was Juliette Lewis. Oh dear. But the bonus was that the Pretenders were headlining the show so she'd get to see another kick ass lady who rocks. Not quite what I'd planned, but pretty decent nonetheless.

I'd never been to the Malkin Bowl at Stanley Park (I've only lived here 47 years - gimme a break) but I can say that I'll definitely return. What a lovely venue - like a hidden treasure in the middle of the park. Quaint, back yardsy like.

We filed in and spread out a blanket, but Linds quickly bolted to the front of the stage so I followed. I'm too old for that - should've kept my blanket spot.

Juliette Lewis came out first and I was pleasantly surprised. I'd YouTube'd her beforehand and knew Linds would like her...wasn't sure about me. But she was refreshingly down to earth, cute and personable. Really interacted well with the crowd and was comedic and charming. As she slunk and strutted around in her black laytex outfit with feathered shoulders she reminded me of a female Mick Jagger with a Catwoman on crack undertone. She also seemed to be channeling Janis at certain points in the show. It worked and we liked her (a lot).



Next was Cat Power. Linds quickly commented that she was wearing exactly the same thing as last show she'd seen. Practical. She was awesome, but somewhat disconnected. I interpreted it as a bit of a shyness - she had her back turned to us a good deal of the time. But she was sweet and even posed for Linds to take a pic at one point. I cried during She's Got You (an old favorite of Mom's). And Metal Heart - the "you're not worth a thing" part - always cuts right through to the core.

It was night by the time the Pretenders came out. Chrissie strutted on stage, commanding the audience's attention from the get go. Such a strong rocker chick. I wasn't a huge Pretenders fan back in the day but I did have a few "favorites" (Ohio, Middle Of The Road) and they were done to perfection. So a pretty kickass show - better than I'd expected. A lot of "shredding" by the guitarist to fill the gaps which was kind of overkill towards the end. (We're too old for that)












I had to agree with Lindsay when she pointed out that Chrissie bore a close resemblance to Alice Cooper by the end of the show.












All in all it was a good night. Except for the fact that, come concert end, they tossed us out onto a pitch black path that veered off in several different directions - all leading to what seemed like nowhere. No lighting at all, which was ridiculous. (People sue now, they should fix that.) So I'm here to say that Stanley Park at night is not fun - we had to blindly navigate down some stairs and I'm also too old for that crap. Completely disoriented in the dark, the "find the car" game was a little stressful and created some anxiety....but I did what I usually do when I'm lost. I bug other people to take care of us. And they did, leading us back to the parking lot and, eventually, onto the road back home.

Up next: Pearl Jam

Hey.

I'm back (I think). This is what Deb does - she disappears for awhile. Hides? Rejuvenates.

So today when I was out riding I realized that I do something - it's a bit of an experiment. When I'm out and about I try and see who I can get to smile back at me. It's such an easy thing - a smile, but it lingers. The warmth stays with you long after the person's passed. A smile can really have an impact - that split second can turn around a person's entire day (if it's been a bad one). I've learned that many (most) don't just dole out a smile - you have to initiate it. There aren't too many smilers left...people who just wander around looking happy. Maybe just the crazies (like me?).

Behind my smile I also can have a bit of a mean streak though. Well, maybe not mean - just intolerant? For instance (and this usually just happens with bitchy looking women), if I ride by, smile and say hello to someone and they don't respond, it ain't pretty. When I'm beyond that person (but not out of earshot) I usually follow up with a growling, under my breath but loud enough to be heard "biiiiiiitch". Just to make the point. It goes like this:

Deb: smile/"hello"
Person: nothing, nadda
Deb: "biiiiiitch", followed by another smile that person can't see.

I'm a little twisted.

Anyhow, today I analyzed my data and I came to this conclusion:

Smiles often come from the most unlikely candidates. Those who look like they should have a reason to smile - the well to do's who are sitting on sunny patios in nice clothes, sipping cool (overpriced) lattes, often don't. I ride by and smile and they sit there, like well placed mannequins. They don't even blink.

But today as I rode towards an elderly, rather disheveled looking Asian man with a walker who was struggling to get up the incline with what looked like a care aide, I smiled. And I got the warmest, toothiest, happiest grin I've seen in weeks.

It's just that simple.

(FTR: homeless people are the best smilers yet. Next to us crazies, of course)

I've decided not to fight it anymore.

I've changed my thinking and am no longer a useless, unemployed, lazy slob who'll never find work (or love) again - meet the new/improved fit, tanned, happy go lucky vacationer! Amazing what a little sun does for the spirit. In all seriousness, I've suddenly realized that I don't have to HATE not working - that I should just roll with it until something does come my way. So I've reprogrammed my little brain into actually using this time off as just that - time off. And I'm loving it (maybe a little too much - I just opened the crisper to find the jar of Italian seasoning in there.

So, yes, we're a little poorer - but we will survive. Took awhile for the anxiety to pass and for me to see that life's not out to screw me - but there's something to this jobless thing. I am growing my own patio veggies and eating a little "lighter" to ease up on the budget, so we're not officially starving (yet) - we're actually getting healthier. +1

I'm slowly (seen a slug crawl? Think of that, times 100) getting through a few projects that need doing. Well - ok, I'm writing lists and thinking about projects that need to be done. That's a start. +2

I'm finding time to connect with people again. Too bad that it takes funerals to bring people together, but Uncle Fred would've wanted it that way. It's been too long and, yes, I'm free. +3

Linds is likely correct with her observations/analysis of me...she's convinced that I'm bipolar, ADHD, SAD (the seasonal kind), a little depressed, & a tad bit OCD. Throw in middle aged crazy and I think that's about nailed it. But, for now, I'm choosing to roll with the punches and just be happy again.

Broke, rather lazy and extremely happy.

I love you sunshine.

It's Been Awhile Since I Had A Good Ol' Bitchfest

I never thought I'd miss working so much. Nearly five months and still nothing - perhaps it's a blessing in disguise, as I've been sicker than a dog. Initially, I suspected swine - my brother in law had been to Mexico just before Easter then had the ex & the mother in law over for dinner. It was a double whammy - the ex and his brother had both been away when we'd invited the mother in law to our family Easter dinner - she'd accepted the invitation and all the plans had been made. Then, two days before Easter she says she "forgot" that they'd already made plans at her son's house so she'd be going there instead. Oh yeah, the ex was going as well and the only people NOT invited were our kids. Sorry. So we salvaged our plans and they had a "family" party (my ex had the audicity to state that he had to be with his mother/brother because they were "blood"...."excuse me???....our children's DNA would like to have word with you!!"). God, I forgot how childish he can be...time to man up. Oh wait - too late. Anyhow, they were kind enough to pass along this vicious flu to us after their party, when the dust had settled from the outburst I'd had about ditching us. The mother in law actually cares - she called me to apologize and said she really did feel bad. I believe her (kind of). The ex is still an ass though. Anyhow - none of them even had the decency to tell us they'd been sick - I found out via Facebook status updates that they'd all come down with something the week after their party. God, suddenly I remember why I opted out of this family in the first place...so much crap to deal with. Let. Me. Out.

The ex is being his flakey self - the sunshine always did make him go whacky. More beer. Outings with the guys. He rarely sees the kids anymore, despite the fact that he lives 5 minutes away now. His loss - we've moved on too. But I know it hurts (Lindsay especially...she so wants to be Daddy's girl). Loser. Thank GOD she, at least, has a counsellor in her corner - he's extremely dependable and is providing some stability, as her father is too busy at the moment to do so. She vents with him - they go for coffee/walks and he's always in her corner. He drops everything when life's crashing down on her and I'm so thankful that we crossed paths with this wonderful man.

So, yeah - anyhow. A week's worth of antibiotics and I still feel like my ribs have been through the Stanley Cup playoffs. Speaking of which, my team's out - so life basically sucks right now. Which is why I'm hiding.

Coffee's ready - that's moving in the right direction. Back soon....

I hope. ;)