I've decided not to fight it anymore.

I've changed my thinking and am no longer a useless, unemployed, lazy slob who'll never find work (or love) again - meet the new/improved fit, tanned, happy go lucky vacationer! Amazing what a little sun does for the spirit. In all seriousness, I've suddenly realized that I don't have to HATE not working - that I should just roll with it until something does come my way. So I've reprogrammed my little brain into actually using this time off as just that - time off. And I'm loving it (maybe a little too much - I just opened the crisper to find the jar of Italian seasoning in there.

So, yes, we're a little poorer - but we will survive. Took awhile for the anxiety to pass and for me to see that life's not out to screw me - but there's something to this jobless thing. I am growing my own patio veggies and eating a little "lighter" to ease up on the budget, so we're not officially starving (yet) - we're actually getting healthier. +1

I'm slowly (seen a slug crawl? Think of that, times 100) getting through a few projects that need doing. Well - ok, I'm writing lists and thinking about projects that need to be done. That's a start. +2

I'm finding time to connect with people again. Too bad that it takes funerals to bring people together, but Uncle Fred would've wanted it that way. It's been too long and, yes, I'm free. +3

Linds is likely correct with her observations/analysis of me...she's convinced that I'm bipolar, ADHD, SAD (the seasonal kind), a little depressed, & a tad bit OCD. Throw in middle aged crazy and I think that's about nailed it. But, for now, I'm choosing to roll with the punches and just be happy again.

Broke, rather lazy and extremely happy.

I love you sunshine.

It's Been Awhile Since I Had A Good Ol' Bitchfest

I never thought I'd miss working so much. Nearly five months and still nothing - perhaps it's a blessing in disguise, as I've been sicker than a dog. Initially, I suspected swine - my brother in law had been to Mexico just before Easter then had the ex & the mother in law over for dinner. It was a double whammy - the ex and his brother had both been away when we'd invited the mother in law to our family Easter dinner - she'd accepted the invitation and all the plans had been made. Then, two days before Easter she says she "forgot" that they'd already made plans at her son's house so she'd be going there instead. Oh yeah, the ex was going as well and the only people NOT invited were our kids. Sorry. So we salvaged our plans and they had a "family" party (my ex had the audicity to state that he had to be with his mother/brother because they were "blood"...."excuse me???....our children's DNA would like to have word with you!!"). God, I forgot how childish he can be...time to man up. Oh wait - too late. Anyhow, they were kind enough to pass along this vicious flu to us after their party, when the dust had settled from the outburst I'd had about ditching us. The mother in law actually cares - she called me to apologize and said she really did feel bad. I believe her (kind of). The ex is still an ass though. Anyhow - none of them even had the decency to tell us they'd been sick - I found out via Facebook status updates that they'd all come down with something the week after their party. God, suddenly I remember why I opted out of this family in the first place...so much crap to deal with. Let. Me. Out.

The ex is being his flakey self - the sunshine always did make him go whacky. More beer. Outings with the guys. He rarely sees the kids anymore, despite the fact that he lives 5 minutes away now. His loss - we've moved on too. But I know it hurts (Lindsay especially...she so wants to be Daddy's girl). Loser. Thank GOD she, at least, has a counsellor in her corner - he's extremely dependable and is providing some stability, as her father is too busy at the moment to do so. She vents with him - they go for coffee/walks and he's always in her corner. He drops everything when life's crashing down on her and I'm so thankful that we crossed paths with this wonderful man.

So, yeah - anyhow. A week's worth of antibiotics and I still feel like my ribs have been through the Stanley Cup playoffs. Speaking of which, my team's out - so life basically sucks right now. Which is why I'm hiding.

Coffee's ready - that's moving in the right direction. Back soon....

I hope. ;)

Losing the star without a sky
Losing the reasons why
You're losing the calling that you've been faking
And i'm not kidding

It's damned if you don't and it's damned if you do
Be true 'cause they'll lock you up in a sad sad zoo
Oh hidy hidy hidy what cha tryin to prove
By hidy hidy hiding you're not worth a thing

Sew your fortunes on a string
And hold them up to light
Blue smoke will take
A very violent flight
And you will be changed
And everything
And you will be in a very sad sad zoo.

I once was lost but now i'm found was blind
But now I see you
How selfish of you to believe in the meaning of all the bad dreaming

Metal heart you're not hiding
Metal heart you're not worth a thing

Metal heart you're not hiding
Metal heart you're not worth a thing

I'm really excited today!!

I've had to kick the job hunt up a notch or two over the past week as my EI will be running out soon. This was creating concern (no one wants to be homeless, right?) and actually starting to cross over into desperate thoughts as I envisioned myself standing in the meridian of a busy street with a squeegie in my hand. I was actually starting to have some "hmmmm" moments as I'd pass people rummaging through garbage cans for bottles on the streets. Yes, I am worried.

But this week things are started to fall into place and I have a few solid prospects to report (possibly even a new job today!...knocking on wood now).

Tuesday night I got my email working again to see that there was a reply to a an application I'd submitted...a really good (city) job. What a time for email to falter....it just doesn't fare well for these things to sit, unnoticed/unaswered. Yesterday I followed up with it on the library computer and things look rather promising! They're interested and this is a very well paying, foot in the door type job.

Also, I got a phonecall from the physio clinic I'd applied at a few weeks ago - a job that had really tweaked my interest. As it turns out, the girl they hired isn't working out and they still need someone...I'm meeting the boss (again) this morning (he's taking me for coffee!). He sounds rather desperate himself...I'd noticed that the clinic was closed on Saturday when I drove by and it's supposed to be open all day....me thinks maybe someone was a no show?!?! Anyhow, he pretty much sounds ready to hire someone on the spot so I'm off to see what the deal is!

Now my big dilemma is this - if he offers me the job then the other place wants to follow up with me, it'll be a pickle. I can't afford NOT to take this opportunity, but the other one is an extremely fantastic position. I was completely sold on the physio clinic until I saw this posting...which had me written all over it.

Off now to see what develops....either way, things are starting to take a positive turn.

(The only downside to this is the incredibly horrible timing...the Zombie family are in town for 3 days and I haven't been able to connect with them (or Mel). Am hoping they're having a lovely time and decide to stay forever. In the interim, I've done my sun dance upon waking each morning...which apparently is working. Barb - my deepest regrets at the bad timing of all of this...will connect someday/somehow. But my heart is there with you...smiling and laughing. xoxo)

I'm going to try and be more regular here. Blogging that is.

Although I thought my computer woes were behind me with a day and a half of solid connections, today I'm back to throwing things because it's taking SO long to load comments that it just times out. That was just the case on Allison's blog, although I managed to scrawl out another and get it in there. Bah. Ty assures me that it's just how it is with wireless internet...sometimes it's on, others it's secretly blowing raspberries in your face.

Either way - FU computer.

I'm currently laughing as I stumbled across a list of things to do that I wrote out. Probably a month and a half ago. I'd decided that being unemployed was quickly equating to being unproductive and that I needed a list so I could check off at least one (hopefully 3-5) things a day as I accomplished them. Ha, good one. The list got buried under coupons and bills.

I mean these things aren't tough - some are mere phonecalls.

Anyhow here's the list and how I've broken it down (and why it isn't working):

TAKE BOTTLES IN: Ty made me do it. Can actually check this one off. I was fearful...so many bags/boxes out there that I'd become convinced there was a raccoon family living in our carport. DO NOT DISTURB. We finally buckled down and it took 3 carloads to get the job done (we took Dad's in too). When you get $79 at the bottle depot, you've let things go too far.

CALL SHAW TO REPORT INACCURACIES ON BILL: Self explanatory. I don't have a week to wait with a phone stuck on my ear. Oh wait, yes I do.

BOOK A HAIR APPOINTMENT FOR LINDS: I know what you're thinking...why can't she just make the appointment herself? It's not that simple. When your hairdresser's a cracked out nutbar who's only left you her cell number and insists on telling you her man problems like she's your best friend, it's dicey. Linds loves her (as do I), but I tend to only expose my daughter to this gem for the actual hair appointment (and pray that she gets thru it fairly unscathed). The rest (as a responsible mother) is handled by me. Although I go elsewhere and would prefer Linds to do the same, she refuses because "R really knows how to cut her hair". I don't have the extra 120 lying around at my disposal anyhow, so this one'll have to wait for now anyhow. "Shaggy's in Linds...REALLY it is".

TAXES: Fuck it. I'll do them later. Besides, I'm still not over Christmas...don't start throwing all this shit at me. Chill out.

CAR SERVICING: Why fix it if it ain't broke?

SPRING CLEANING: Hahahahahahahaha.....next.

There's other stuff on the list, but I can't read it because there's a big coffee stain and it's smeared the letters.

Gotta run. Apparently I've go stuff to do.

I really thought that this unemployment thing would create more time for me to play here, but that hasn't been the case. I don't know where the hours/days/weeks are going, but is it really nearly the end of March?

My God, time to get my butt in gear.

The job hunt is awful...I even gave up for a week as I was growing so disheartened and depressed with the whole thing. Interviews go well and then....nothing. I'm not quite at the desperate stage, but another month or so and I'm going to be freaking out a little. Hanging in there, but barely. I sent out two more Resumes yesterday, but I've gotten to the point that I expect nothing...that's not good. The negativity will start to creep into my demeanor and I can almost see myself walking into the next few interviews:

"Hi, I'm Deb and I'm a loser. Old, kinda lame, uninspired and not really much to offer here. Skills? I can wiggle my ears. I'll bake muffins. So, I guess we'll call it a wrap, huh? Hey, got any free pens or stuff I can sell at a garage sale?"

Patience. If I couldn't go for my riverside walks/rides, I'd be doomed. That usually sorts things out and reminds me that I live a good life and should just chill. I've got my health, a great family, etc....so really, I'm ahead of the game right there. But these damn bills.....

My computer's also been acting up and it seems to have been related to our wireless router. A bit of tape and I'm back in action (before it was dropping connections and took 10 minutes to load a page. I am not a patient person so a lot of bad words were said).

Anyhow, not much to report. Other than GO CANUCKS! ;)

I'm getting pretty tired of washing dishes before they go into the dishwasher then again after I take them out. As a matter of fact, I don't even know where some of these food stains come from...it's like they get dirtier in there. Where the hell's the sludge cycle on the dial?...somehow missed that one. Anyhow, I've just had an "aha" lightbulb moment with the realization that I should just bypass the middle man and wash the damn things by hand. My dishwasher is now classified as extra pots & pans storage.

It's gorgeous out...what a screwed up bunch of weather this is. Snow Wednesday...beach Friday. What the hell to wear???